Smoke this!

I'm quitting smoking. Today is the first day of quitting smoking.

I have not had a cigarette in 22.5 hours. It seems pretty easy to quit. It's fuckin' not. My life seems to revolve around smoking. Everything in myself tells me I should go smoke. Sometimes it's just out of boredom or like a filler. I don't know what to do as a filler anymore. What do people do when they aren't smoking? Seriously? When you walk out of a restaurant with your belly all full, what do you do? Pick your teeth? Not smoke? What the motherfuck does that even mean. You always smoke after meals... it's like tradition or like um... wiping your ass after you shit. It has to be done, and Mama knows it don't feel right when you don't.

I'm taking Wellbutrin to help with the withdrawal. It seems to help a little I don't feel quite so angry, but I honestly don't know if it is doing anything in particular.

I think I can do this. Fuck it. I just have trouble believing how much nicotine has controlled my life.

"I'll just go have a cigarette."

That's what I think like every 15min.

I can't tell whether I feel shame because I haven't had a cig or because I'm thinking that I could.

It seems to me that it is easier to smoke than to not smoke, until I do smoke and then I cough and have to pay lots of money for cigarettes and always have to have cigarettes and "when's my next cigarette?" and "can I smoke here?" and "Where can I smoke?" and I'm just going to go outside for second... To smoke?... Yeah. .... Oh.... Shame and guilt.

None of this feels good. I wish fuckface non-smokers could understand what this is like. Fuck them. You know who I want quitting smoking tips from? NOT motherfucking non-smokers! Fuck 'em. Jerks.

"All you have to do is stop."

How about I tell you, you can't be pompous and holier than thou for never smoking ANY MORE. No more. You can't be a shitbird anymore. What? You don't want to? But I REALLY want you to. It's easy...... (hiss.)

Alright I'm gonna go play guitar hero.. helps me to forget. I think I'm getting a teensy bit too fired up. More on guitar hero once I beat the game on expert.







Playing on a plastic guitar that looks suitable for a three year old and nailing "More than a feeling" is almost as good as inhaling smoke.