Ever get that "not so free feeling?"

What if I don't actually want your freedom? I want to say I want more freedom. I don't think I'm being truthful. All my life I have been an advocate for freedom but to degree is unclear. Essentially I'm fine up until the bill of rights. Sounds reasonable. But maybe I need more defined lines. Without those cues on behavior I am subject to my own whim. I clearly have too much "free-time" right now. If someone forced me to be productive I'm pretty sure I would work harder. That is by no means advocating indentured servitude. I'm just saying that too much freedom can be equally as bad as too little. I am both humbled and skeptical of the idea of balance.

Whereever a solution is to be found a compromised balance is nearby. Moderation, somewhere in middle, middleground, balance, struck a balance, yin-yang. It sounds enticing but it is not necessarily true in every situation. If it is not necessary, then you cannot talk about things in terms of moderation or balance. There is no way of knowing just what the extremes are. Are they infinite? Eg. (How do I know how much is too much reading or too little?, How do I know how much is too much exercise?) It would appear in some cases you need to discover those boundries on your own.

There may be consequences however. In your pursuit you may find yourself nearing a point of no return. Or you may just overeat, wear out your muscles, or something benign like that. However it seems you have to do something wrong in order to know how to do it right. Perhaps you could use your analytical skills and extrapolate from your own experience. You could take a given situation that aproximates the one you are in and take a shot at it. Again, trial and error. So where does this leave us? We need to approach freedom with reverance for what it enables us to do and how it creates a feeling of loss of control in excess.

It’s the only time that matters.

Is there anything more to be said that hasn’t already been said a thousand times? The same arguments come up every year and day in different forms. Will we continue to be outraged at the same things with no memory of our past? Why do we stand by while injustices continue even when there these injustices are taking place out in the open? Why is it so comfortable to say nothing in the face of wrong doing? To save face? To avoid conflict? Avoiding conflict is what we should be doing. We should be rising up against those that refuse to consider others before themselves. How big of price are we willing to pay for our luxury? Our second televisions and our high powered SUVs. I covet them as well. But they are empty. They do not enrich our lives. They do not make them that much greater.

Waste is what we create. Wasted time, wasted energy, wasted relationships and wasted lives are what we create. How can we desire things for the sole purpose of making other people jealous? We buy expensive clothes that don’t function in anyway other than to meet a special standard of extravagance and satisfy a media created need. These things don’t have anything to do with artistic fashion. They are not created for the common man to consume. When art becomes such a commodity that is only available for the richest or most well connected we do ourselves a disservice. The corporations that sell movies and books do not distribute and advertise on things that would make our lives better or gain greater appreciation for what we have. They appeal to dollars and cents. For us to appreciate art it presumably takes money but it shouldn’t cost greater to those that want to appreciate it. The record companies have realized this too late. An alternate to their preferable method of music distribution has come from the underground. This revolution was necessary. It created a means for everyone to appreciate all music.

Digital format has made it so anyone with computer can “illegally” experience music. Facsimiles are never really going to be as good as the real thing. The music industry tried to exploit peoples desire to hear music that wasn’t attainable through live music shows. It worked for while and people were happy to hear the creations of musical artists. The failing came when the industry officials started to make it harder for people to get what was desired and kowtowed to greed. They seek out that which is the greatest common denominator not which is the greatest. Even when they have the best they put the price on it higher than what is affordable. Just as they created a new venue for experiencing art they destroy it for love of money.
The people behind the people that are helping to do anything but create money are doing a wrong in perpetuating an injustice. For every hour I spent at my job I was helping wealthy people retain and attain more wealth. I am sinner for that. I would do better by tilling soil. I could enable myself and others to eat and to continue living. I could be using the energy that I spend commuting to a capitalist company to power my light switches.

It is a never-ending supply of waste. It does no one any good to continue acting in this way because of convenience. Life is hard. It is. Let us believe it and spend our energies properly. Not by wasting it on insincere acts of good will or helping when it is convenient to us. We should act according to this rule at all times. It is our life; our existence and we are squandering it. We have friends and people all around us that could be our friends. We don’t see eye to eye on every issue but we shouldn’t create grudges where there are none. We could be spending more time connecting with the people around us. The devil we know is the person that we are less likely to assault and more likely to empathize with. People need help. If we stay detached from them it will ultimately cause conflict. My brother on the train that bumps into me may have been living a hard life. This man may be so distracted by his own grief that he busts right through me like I wasn’t there. But I’m here. He just doesn’t know it. It’s easy to forget everyone that is around has their own problems as well. Every time you have been terse with someone and acted on your own internal anger you have shown to other people how you feel. People should notice this and people should care. It does no great good to sum up a person entirely by one interaction. One person’s jerk is another person’s father. Look to who you are affecting when you only consider yourself. There too many excuses and not enough time to make up for them. Act the way you should when you should. It’s the only time that matters.

When I was seventeen...

Things were easier to deal with. The worst things in the world didn't happen. They didn't happen to anyone I knew. What changes? I have so much to do. I had done so little at that time. I needed someone then. I have always been concerned. Paranoid of what could happen. I lost out on a lot of living. I saved myself though. I made it through. I have been trying to overcome those fears. I'm not so sure I should. That anxiety has kept me alive. If I let my guard done I will be exchanging a "fuller life" for security. That safety isn't infinite. It just reduces the liklihood or pain.

So what if those things happen? What do I do? The same concerns that I have always had may change. Maybe the drive for the prize may lose some of its significance. I've never really valued my family as I should have or I'm not capable of doing so based on family dynamic and personality disorders.

Try. Try. Try to separate them. Its an illusion.
The conclusion I come to is that your worst fears are possible. They are just a frightening phone call away. Your fears can confront you when you are wide awake. You stare directly at your fear with a puzzled affectless expression on your face. I don't even know what the proper protocal is. I assume you just sprint into action and never stop until the numbness subsides and you forget the past. Only for a moment though. Emotional pain will be with you forever. You could be in line at the grocery store and memories rush in. You could be tortured in you dreams taking away the peaceful rest.

Boston Gothic

Boston Gothic, originally uploaded by cronbach.

Moving away from the city, Bret and Corrie get comfy in the sticks.

My morality? Your morality!

If morality is not relative much in the way that aesthetics are not relative. Then there must be some sort of characteristics of an ultimate moral code. If I can unequivocally say that Bach's music is better than Britney Spears, despite her popularity, then I should be able to come up with a certain value assessments about music that makes one musician or song better than another. If those sorts of things are intrinsically linked, then it should be the same of morality. I should be able to come up with a base set of rules or a moral code. I don't think it would be agreed upon though.

I believe that killing is wrong. In any way and in any case it is wrong. The world doesn't seem to want to agree with that. Do you value human life or do you not? Do you believe that abortion is okay? Whoa... Now that's a heavy discussion involving more complex issues. Do you accept capital punishment? Most people can probably get behind that idea. Do you accept life imprisonment? How can you if you don't believe in capital punishment. Sure. A person imprisoned is still alive, but what an existence!

There are lot of seemingly grey areas everywhere you look. If there are true moral values then we (humanity) should be able to agree on them. We accept some pretty oddball rules from our government and have trouble keeping to many of the basic tenets of human life. The closest I can come to a good moral code is a few Ten Commandments combined with the golden rule, but I fear that is my christian upbringing getting in the way.

I think the best way to keep in line with a good moral code would be to really embrace empathy. Before you do anything you should ask yourself: "Does this affect anyone else? If it does, will it cause them to be upset? What might it feel like to be that person?" There is too much at stake. I don't want people to be parallized by those questions. Considering other people is fundamental to being in a society. You can only afford to be selfish if you accept that you will not be a part of group. People may accept being manipulated and mistreated, but that is your problem not theirs.

"The Clap of a new generation"

HEP-C. Do I have your attention yet? The MBTA has recently put up a new banner advertisement across their buses. To replace the hip-hop artist Common and his sexy soulful AIDS scaretisement. Hepatitis scaretisements. Just when I thought it was safe to have sex.

It reads:
"If Hep C was attacking your face instead of your liver, you'd do something about it." This text is overlaid on a picture of a man looking like he had his face mashed in by a lead pipe. I have a natural anxiety over any information displayed that might scare the hell out of me and make me question my wellness. However, that isn't the reason I was disturbed by this ad. It really was the fact that they called it Hep C . It somehow just bothered me especially because it really sounded like Pepsi in my head. I don't need any more irrational fears especially not of my favorite sodee.

Also, isn't "Hepsi" incurable? The answer, according to http://www.hepcfight.com/ There is no vaccine. Well at least I have a new fear fueled now by the knowledge that Hepsi can be transferred by cuticle scissors. I guess my desire for good grooming is putting me a great risk. I shall now be merely pushing my cuticles like common folk. I laugh and I joke because my anxiety demands it, but Hepsi is common enough that it is should be called attention to. Four million people in the U.S. according to Wikipedia. So, at any depressing rate, check out the Hep C Fight website to see the ad. It reminds me a lot of the Fight Club DVD cover.

You got the right one baby.

It's all very real now.

Explain it all to me. Please. I’m listening. I know it may not look like I am; but I am. Or least I’m trying to. You have a lot to tell me. I have a lot to learn from you. Simple things really, like what happens when things don’t go your way, and how you keep your cool. I may need your recipe for baked ziti. I didn’t really like when it I was a kid but now it’s something I couldn’t live without. What if you left before I was able to get that recipe? I’d never have your ziti again. Sure, I could come close… That’s sickening. Not the spaghetti, just finality. Death really stops me from experiencing anything about you. Not a single time more do I get to shake your hand. I don’t get to hear the laugh that you sometimes let out when you really find something funny. I wish you didn’t have to leave. I know it is something that has to happen, but really it's so cruel.

Every day people lose someone and tragedy overwhelms them. For some just a day is all it lasts, if they aren’t too attached. Maybe a week for others, and some like me could absolutely never get used it. I know you’ve had the same problem as well. You never got rid of the ghosts in your mind; they remind you of all the bad times of the past.

It’s probably better not to dwell too hard on those losses. How can you possibly live your life if you consume yourself with memories? It’s bad enough that we relive memories all the time from the recent past. It’s really painful when we have to picture ourselves younger and see a more energetic lifestyle. Where did it go some ask? I’m sure you know. I know too. I’ve been there watching TV until three in the morning watching shows that don’t interest me. What kind of life is that exactly? How can you go on living your life through someone else’s all the time? It’s so passive, so dirty. I can develop some real self hatred after a twelve hour binge on the couch. Yes, there are some entertaining shows in there and thought provoking ideas. All the while though I’m being blasted with jingles and thirty second skits about products I never needed before and probably don’t need now.

Give me conversation. No wait. Give me a desire for conversation. I could be having funny conversations about my friend’s sour love life. I don’t need to hear Chandler talk about his. It is silly sometimes when I think about. I know conversation like that is particularly and purposefully humorous, but I also know that many great friendships have been bonded as a result of conversations that lasted until three in morning and TV wasn’t a major player. Out on the black tar in parking lot of a strip mall is what I prefer. It’s provides unheeded summer breezes and cars to sit in when it gets too cold. The light can be just perfect if the spotlights are still on, enhancing someone’s natural beauty in the way that bar lighting is dim enough to make us look pretty.

I was walking by a store front window at quarter 'til nine in the morning and I suddenly catch a glimpse of this fat older guy. He looks like he's been up drinking all night. His attire just reeks of older creepy guy, something like a bright blue polo shirt. I'm thinking "Man, I am way cooler than that guy." Until of course, I realize it's me.


When did I get so fucking old looking. I know I have a baby face in terms of my face's unwillingness to grow manly hair barring a neck beard, but I have age lines and chins where there were no chins before. Is this adult puberty that I'm entering? Is my voice going to change? Ear hair? Already I'm older than 60 percent of the people at a given rawk concert.

I'm thinking something drastic is in order. I'm thinking nose ring... Dyed hair... cocaine problem... MTV 24 hours a day. My youth she is no more. I thought it would be when I turned twenty eight, but as it turns out it is only 25 and 3/4.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Perhaps I'm not that old looking. Just a little older. When I was a kid there were changes all time and I never questioned those. Why should I be upset about a smile line here or there. No big deal. I'll just have to start moisturizing now. Oil of Olay you've saved me! No, not likely.

I still have my hair. That's a positive. You age pretty fast with no hair. Although..... I have been noticing the front of my scalp seems higher than before. I'm going to have to inspect that.

Plastic surgery is always an option. It worked for Dick Clark.